


Mission to Play

by Venstar



Series: Mission Transcripts [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Fun, M/M, Prompt Fill, transcript style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 18:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7585780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The minions need reminding that the deadly agents are not playthings, especially the Double ohs.  Alec continues to try and be helpful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission to Play

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt fill #8, "why are you giving me such a hard time about this?"  
> \--линкор! = battleship

 

Mission Transcript  SIB-000426-0070816

 

_ Q: _

_ Are we engaging in naval warfare? _

 

Minion:

What?  No.

 

_ Q: _

_ Then why are there battleships on the main monitor? _

 

Minion:

Um.

 

*COMPUTERIZED VOICE: DIRECT HIT*

 

 *ALARMS SOUND*  

 

**006:**

**NOOOOOOOOO!**

 

007:

HAHAHAHAHAAAA

 

Minions:

Wooo-hooo!  Yeaaaaaaaahhhh!

 

**006:**

**YOU SUNK MY** **линкор** **!**

 

_ Q: _

_ Are you playing...a game!? _

 

**006:**

**Uh oh.  The gig is up.**

 

_ Q _

_ … _

 

Minion:

Not with real ships boss.

 

_ Q: _

_ You sent the double ohs out with a child’s board game? _

 

Minion:

Well, not exactly.

 

Minion:

Not the full size version.

 

_ Q: _

_ At the risk of repeating myself, you sent the double ohs out with a travel size version of Battleship?  The agents are not toys!  Especially the double-ohs. _

 

Minion:

But...

 

_ Q: _

_ No. _

 

Minion:

But boss!

 

Minion:

They were bored!

 

_ Q: _

_ They are on a mission, they are not bored.  They need to concentrate, not play games. _

 

Minion:

It’s just, Battleship.

 

Minion:

Tactical Battleship, to be precise! 

 

Minion:

It’s brilliant!  

 

Minion:

And it’s not...it’s an app.  Jacobson made an app...for them.  

 

Minion:

Boss?  Boss you okay?

 

_ Q: _

_ You sent the double ohs out on a mission supplied with a custom made game app of Tactical Battleship? _

 

Minion:

Well, yes and no. 

 

Minion:

Not at first.

 

Minion:

I mean we didn’t supply them with it at the beginning, but they got bored...

 

Minion:

And 006 beat all the levels on Minesweeper

 

Minion:

And 007 cheats at any type of card game.

 

007:

Hey!

 

Minions:

Sorry 007.

 

**006:**

**I’m not sorry, he even cheats at digital solitaire.**

 

007:

Hey!

 

**006:**

**It’s true.**

 

Minion:

Which, we haven’t been able to figure out how, by the way.

 

007:

I’d like the record to show that I asked for chess.

 

**006:**

**Battle chess.**

 

Minion: 

So we thought, why not Battleship!

 

Minion:

007 has naval experience and 006 once stole a battleship.

 

Minion:

So he says.

 

**006:**

**It was a small one.**

 

Minion:

Okay a small one but still…

 

**006:**

**They say it’s not the size of the boat that matters.**

 

_ Q: _

_ AHEM _ .

 

**006:**

**But it does.**

 

Minion:

And then 007 said that ships don’t stay in one spot.

 

Minion:

So we had to make it so they could move…

 

Minion:

And not lose the pieces…

!

Minion:

Yeah, so Jacobson made...an...app...boss?  Boss you okay?

 

_ Q: _

_ No, no I am not okay.  With any of this.  Do you know how much funding actually goes into these missions.  Do you know that everything gets logged into the system regarding equipment, and that includes software AND hardware.  These conversations are also recorded!  Why do I keep having to remind everyone of that! _

 

Minion:

So, we’re beta testing it?

 

_ Q: _

_ Was that answer phrased in the form of a question? _

 

**006:**

**AHEM.**

 

007:

Beta testing of tactical naval warfare software seems to be successful.

 

Minions:

Thanks 007.

 

**006:**

**I don’t see the problem.**

 

_ Q: _

_ You never do, 006.  Now, Status Report. _

 

**006:**

**Well, 007 sunk my battleship…**

 

_ Q: _

_ Not that status, 006.   _

 

**006:**

**I’m still single.**

 

_ Q: _

_ Not that status either, 006. _

 

007:

Two wrong answers Alec, Q’s about to sink your Cruiser.

 

**006:**

**James is still single.**

 

*fast typing*

 

**006:**

**NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! OH COME ON!  YOU SUNK MY CRUISER!!!**

 

007:

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA….

 

*fast typing*

 

007:

What!  Hey Q, not fair, you sunk MY submarine!

 

_ Q: _

_ I’m going to sink your careers next if you don’t get off your mobiles and give me a proper status report.   _

 

**006:**

**Fine.  Fine.  We’re freezing our arses off as the grand pooh bah of Q-branch…**

 

*fast typing*

 

**006:**

**STOP SINKING MY SHIPS Q!**

 

Minion:

Boss.

 

_ Q: _

_ One word, Jacobson and I will sink your bank accounts. _

 

007:

As Alec was trying to say, before you sank his canoe, is that we are in a very cold, very long, holding pattern as we wait for our mark to show up.  And he’s still single.

 

**006:**

**Oy!  Just wait a minute.  Wait a minute...you sunk my cruiser when I said Jameska was single.**

 

Minion:

Boss.

 

_ Q: _

_ Jacobson, I am prepared to hit the any key.  Are you prepared for me to hit the any key? _

 

**006:**

**Which would mean I was wrong that Jameska is single.  Q are you and James...Q STOP SINKING MY SHIPS THAT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU STROPPY LITTLE GIT!**

 

_ Q: _

_ Now, now 006, temper temper, or I will have the minions delete this game off of your mobiles. _

 

Minion:

Boss!

 

_ Q: _

_ No, no, don’t try to talk me out of it Jacobson, you made this mess, you can clean it up.   _

 

**006:**

**IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER IF YOU SINK ALL MY SHIPS, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, I KNOW WHO YOUR BOYFRIEND IS, I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL…*urk***

 

007:

Sorry Q.  He’s very competitive.

 

**006:**

**Get your hands off of me.  JAMESKA AND Q, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G**

 

007:

For Christ’s sake Alec!  How is this helping!?

 

**006:**

**I’m helping!  FIRST COMES LOVE!**

 

007:

The minions can hear you, Alec.

 

**006:**

**WAIT NO, FIRST COMES Q BECAUSE JAMESKA IS THAT GOO…*URK***

 

*rustling and heavy thuds*

 

**_M:_ **

**_AHEM!_ **

 

_ Q: _

_ WHAT JACOBSON!  Oh.  God.  Oh, Good evening, Sir.  M.  Moneypenny. _

 

Minion:

Sorry, boss, I been trying to tell you.

 

Q:

No, Jacobson, that’s quite alright.

 

**006:**

**OH MY GOD.  Is that M!?  Oh man, my day just got better.**

 

007:

Alec.

 

**_M:_ **

**_No, no, by all means, do continue.  Q isn’t the only one able to sink careers.  If I sink yours, technically, I’ll also sink your bank accounts as well._ **

 

**006:**

**MP, dear girl, how angry is he?**

 

007:

She’s not answering.  I think he’s mad.

 

**006:**

**I think she’s probably laughing.**

 

007:

Would it help if we apologize?

 

**006:**

**I’m not apologizing.  Q IS a stroppy little git.**

 

007:

You’re a big Russian bully.

 

**_M:_ **

**_Gentlemen.  If we could please, focus on the task at hand.  I had thought that perhaps someone from Q-branch had been altering the mission transcripts as a joke.  Tanner was all but red when he read from them, but it would seem as if I were incorrect.  This is what passes as ‘normal’ for you two, isn’t it._ **

 

007:

Three.  

 

**006:**

**Yeah, don’t forget the stroppy little git.**

 

_ Q: _

_ You utter, berk.  When you get back... _

 

**006:**

**See, stroppy.**

 

**_M:_ **

**_Q, when was the last time you had a proper sleep?_ **

 

**006:**

**Pfft, no one sleeps when they sleep with Ja-*urk***

 

007:

Not helping, 00Berk.

 

**_M:_ **

**_I see.  R, perhaps you could take over for Q.  Jacobson, remove the game._ **

 

Minions:

Awwwwwwwww!!!

 

**_M:_ **

**_I’m sorry, what was that?_ **

 

*grumbling in the background*

 

**_M:_ **

**_Q, you're dismissed, we’ll have a talk later._ **

 

**006:**

**Oh is this going to be “the talk!?”  I can help with this.  Q, sometimes, when a boy likes another boy…*urk*  James, I swear to God if you...**

 

**_M:_ **

**_That will be enough 006.  007, I believe I see a second location that would offer as much protection and line of sight as the one you are currently in.  Move._ **

 

**006:**

**Do you see what happens James, when you upset Mum by dating the favorite son.**

 

**_M:_ **

**_Yes, yes I can see how you can derive the nickname Mum from M.  But let it be known, 006, that I will give you a sound thrashing when you return.  If you return in one piece, because I’m currently looking at the travel plans that Q has you on and oh dear, they are dreadful._ **

 

**006:**

**Are you going to give James the shotgun speech, because I already gave it to him.  But if you could give one to Q for me for Jameska, that would be great, M.  I feel like it would carry more weight coming from you.**

 

**_M:_ **

**_…_ **

 

007:

…

 

**006:**

**M?**

 

**_M:_ **

**_You know, I’ve never had the pleasure of traveling in steerage before.  I never realized how many ports there were between Siberia and South Africa.  I’m sure you and 007 will have lots to talk about and bond over, do forgive the pun, by the time we see you again...next Summer._ **

 

007:

M, you wouldn’t.

 

**_M:_ **

**_If you don’t require anything else from Q-branch at the moment, I am cutting comms.  You should be quite used to that, what with pulling your own earpieces out quite frequently._ **

 

007:

M.

 

**_M:_ **

**_Ssssssshhhshhhhhh, Oh dear, I’m sorry, we seem to be having some, sssssshhhhhhhsssssshhh, static on our end, ssssshhhhsssss, could, ssshhhh, take, ssshhhh, hours, ssssshhhh for this to, sssshhhhhh, clear.  Looks, sshhhhhhssss, like we ssshhhhsss have to go sssssshhhhsssss offline ssshhhhhssssss for repairs.  M out._ **

 

***End Transcript***

  
  


“You cockblocking son of a motherless whore!”  James groaned, knocking Alec in the head with the butt of his sniper rifle as he turned.  He planted the butt of it in the middle of that ungrateful whoreson’s backside and dug it in as he stood up to follow M’s orders and change locations.

“Ugh, stop that.  What?” Alec waved, his arm, knocking James’s rifle away.

James stood looking, no glaring down at his erstwhile, oh so helpful friend, “Why are you giving me such a hard time about this!?  How am I supposed to get anywhere with Q if you keep pulling this crap!”

Alec rolled over onto his back and crossed his arms behind his head and his legs at his ankles to look up at James as if he were the simpleton, “Because, you should be playing harder to get.  You are not some cheap, easy date for Q!

James kicked Alec’s booted feet, exasperated, he explained, “He’s not a cheap, easy date either Alec!  I mean, have you even tried to get one on one time with him?”

“No.”  Alec raised a foot and nudged James in the knee.

“No?”

“No, I am afraid of what that 007 will do to me if he finds me trying to get ‘one on one’ time with the Quartermaster”

“Very funny, ha ha.”  James looked away and then back down to Alec.

“But, it’s true, no?”

“Yeah, I would kick your ass.  I'd hate myself afterwards, and you, but I'd do it."

“So, you are no bedpost notch and Q is no bedpost notch.”  Alec's shoulders shrugged under all his heavy tactical gear.

“Well, I hope I’m not a bedpost notch.”

“See, you don’t know this.  Until you know this, I will not make it easy for him to have you.  If you will not put in the work, I will put in the work for you.”

“God save the person that ever decides you're worth the effort.”  James looked down fondly on his stupidly overprotective friend.

“He saves you every other day.  Sometimes twice on Christmas.”  Alec winked up at James and gave him another shove to the knee.

“Alright.  I’m actually going to go follow M’s orders, this one time.  It’s not a bad order.  We still have comms with each other.”

“I’m going to get bored.”  Alec said, heaving a sigh and dropping his head back onto the ground and draped his arms over his eyes.  

“Yes well, your boredom has already landed us in hot water.  Try to suppress it this time.  Let’s hope our travel plans aren’t seriously in steerage.  If they are and Q hasn’t stripped our bank accounts...again, we’ll find another way home.”

“Through Tahiti?  I could do with some warmth before going home to another cold reception.”

“Anything you want, Alec.”  James smiled and broke his rifle down, before putting in his duffle.  He slung his gear across his shoulder before heading for the staircase to lead him to out of the building to the other vantage point.  


End file.
